Day 183: Loss

It should be 200 today.  I'm getting close to being caught up.

Can you feel that?  The empty chasm deep inside my heart.  It's the feeling that I would do anything to shake, but it follows me around.  I don't constantly feel it's presence to the same extent.  Sometimes it haunts my every thoughts, distracting me from being able to do anything.  Other times it's just a whisper following me, causing enough discomfort to make me feel sluggish.  That swirling vortex of sorrow tries with all its might to suck me towards its pit of despair.  My willpower weakens in the stuggle to avoid it.

I also feel a sense of indignation.  This weighty chain of mail has robbed me of something delicate, a rose I had worked hard to nurture for years, and it was plucked carelessly by one so callous as to be indifferent to the nature at which I soul has fallen now without that hope inside of me flickering on.

How can I cope with this loss?  A loss of laughter, childhood, friendship, innocence, of a tender love.  Most of all it is a loss of potential, of what could have been.  How can my eyes see past that widening gap between the fallen state I am at now with the light of love moving farther and farther away?  I feel numb with the cold it has left me.

But Jesus is the answer to my problems.  Whether there are divots  in the road or gorges across my horizon, Jesus can fill all those empty holes better than anything on this earth can.  He stands out because He is the only eternal thing.  To the extent of sorrow I feel that's how largely He will make my heart leap for joy.  Often on the unexpected path, He will bring in new people or rejuvenate the old ones to make my life whole again, and even better than  before.  But He won't make these repairs for free.  He only requires my faith in the future.  Trusting that He's the only person that can do this and believing His promise will be fulfilled is quite a feat to have faith in.  But I ask myself, how much more effort would it take for me to believe in Him when I already feel dead inside anyways?  I can do no worse than I am now.  And that embrace, the moment when His peace chisels away all the grey rock encasing my heart.  That is a special feeling I wouldn't trade for the rarest jewels.